The Nightmare on Christmas
7 Surefire Ways to Make Christmas the Best Fight of the Year
- Shared anger is double the anger
Be really mad if you receive a present you don’t entirely like. Give room to your frustration and make your voice heard. Also, count the gifts, assess their value, and compare if you received more than others. Everyone knows that love and appreciation are measured in contributions. Who loves you the most? Who loves others more than you? Christmas is also a perfect occasion to hone your passive-aggressiveness skills. You could ask with a warm smile, “Do you still have the receipt?” Or put on a forced-brave face and say, “It’s ok. I don’t need gifts.”
- The question of guilt
Did something go wrong? No problem as long as you find the offender. Do everything in your power to find the person that left the fridge open. Who smashed the tree topper? Collect everyone, sit them down, make abundantly clear that you will not stop until you find the offender, and bring them to justice.
- Make a list
Prepare a list of traits and habits you dislike about each family member and friend. A tally list will work great to keep track of how many times each family member displays the behavior you loathe. It also helps you to stay focused on everything you dislike about your family. This is not the time of the year to be accepting or tolerant. If it were, it would be called Acceptmas, right?
- Unfinished chapters
There’s no better time of the year to bring up unresolved and long resolved conflicts. It’s the one time of the year where the whole family sits together and can enjoy the discussion. If you don’t know how to get started, I recommend this warm-up line: “What I always wanted to tell you…”
Throughout the discussion, generalize as much as you can. “You always..”
- Christmas must be wonderful
As we all know, much pressure helps much. Make a perfect, harmonious Christmas your only goal. If you try hard enough, it will work. Christmas MUST be perfect. And if it’s not, you probably didn’t try hard enough. Turn up the pressure!
- Get it done
Try to get as much as possible done. Ideally, put off buying Christmas presents and run into a store on December 24th. The stores will probably be really empty, and you can shop for your loved ones stress-free. Then rush home and clean the house. After all, Christmas is when you can finally get some chores done. Cook everything from scratch and start an hour before your guests arrive.
When you finally let your worn-out body sink on the couch, enjoy the sensation of how ungrateful everyone is. Practice a reproachful look and wear a subtle hint of accusation in your voice. Your eyes should say, “After all I have done for you!” Everyone must know how much you sacrificed to make this the best night of the year.
- Clear up common misconceptions
Start off by telling all the kids that there is no such thing as Santa Clause. The children have the right to know that it’s really uncle Peter dressing up as Santa.
Christmas is yet another stunt of our shallow, materialistic consumer society to sell stuff we don’t need? Wow, you’re seemingly one of the intellectual elite. Use your critical thinking advantage to make everyone else feel bad about themselves. Life is not a walk in the park, and there’s no better day for the 3-year old to learn. Be sure to spoil the primitive joy of the normals. They’re little chess figures played by a system that spits them out. But not you, my friend. You’re on to them.
Hopefully, this article made you smile.
Let’s make this year’s fest “Acceptmas.” A fest of love and gratitude!